December 14, 2011

I Can't Make People See

I can't make people see whats wrong with me. Sure I have medical issues that doctors can see, diagnosed easily by an exam or an MRI. Why isn't it easier to make them see whats wrong on the inside. I can't put it into words. When I try to tell people whats wrong, they just tell me its mind over matter, its all in my head. Why can't people just understand that I am miserable. That it takes everything I have in me to just be here. That I use every bit of what I am, just doing what I do now, simply existing,  that I don't have anything else left afterward to try and fix myself. I know I need to do more. I want to do more. It's like my mental legs do not want to work. I try to take a step and find I can't move. Mentally that is, I simply can't take that step.

A psychologist once asked me what my biggest fear was, at the time I told her it that my biggest fear was being normal, that this was all in my head and nothing would change. Didn't she see I was crying out for help, help for something that I can't fix on my own. It's not as simple as changing the way I think. Now if you ask me what my biggest fear is, I would tell you that my biggest fear is that one day I won't be afraid to die.

This is not simple. There is no simple fix. This is years of me telling people I need help and being ignored or brushed off. I can't make people see what's on the inside, and I am tired of telling them.
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