February 22, 2013

Icky Icky Lithium

I suffer from Bi Polar I. Yes, I mean suffer, because that is exactly what it is making me do, suffer. 
I have yet to learn to live with this disorder. Sure, I have learned to cope with it, and go about my daily business to an extent.  I am no where back to where I was when I was younger, before this kicked in, but I seriously doubt I will ever be back to that point mentally. First, I have grown mentally since then.  Has that mental growth made it harder to deal with my disorder, possibly. Has it helped in other ways?  Maybe.  Who knows. 
Right now all I know is that the medication that is supposed to fix my mental disorder is killing me physically.  I have the shakes, bad.  Most would say this is a sign that my medication is in fact poisoning me. I agree and disagree.  Sure, it is a poison that I am putting in my system, but it seems to keep me on a somewhat stable plane of existence. As long as the poisoning is minor the doctors don't seem to see a problem with it, so I guess I should just take these minor symptoms knowing what the alternative is.
The alternative for me is going into a state of either mania or severe depression. 
So I will continue to take the hated Lithium and put up with its side effects simply so I can stay in the world of normalcy like the rest of the normal humans. Tell me again where the fun lies in that? 

End rant for now. 

February 9, 2013

My Photoshop and Tribal Art

It might not be what some consider tribal in the true sense of the word, but, that's what I call them for lack of a better description.  I doodle, I love to draw and do anything "artsy".

 I also designed this blog. I can't take credit for the art, but I did put it together to make up what is my blog design. Using Photoshop CS4 and altering the code, I did indeed put it together. 

The following are some of my doodles as well as some of the things I have done in Photoshop CS4

This is my fantasy Eeyore, I used an online photo and doctored it a little with some Photoshop brushes and gradients.

February 6, 2013

Just a Dream

In my mind is a world that doesn't match up with the world outside
in a dream my waiting was worth it, my love meant something
It was just a dream,
I wake up alone, forced to wake up
forced to face reality

Years wasted, waiting.  I am happier now
I do not have to wait anymore
I am free to move on, to dream once more.
Isn't life just a dream, moving through our minds
trying to figure out which is reality

In my next life I don't want to simply dream
I want to live, love and dream together
I want  a dream that comes true, I want to love
Love that is no longer just a dream. 

February 5, 2013

What Is Real?

Having trouble today figuring out what is real. It all feels like one massive episode of Deja Vu.  Watching television shows that I do not remember watching, yet I can remember what happens.  So, either I am psychic or I am loosing big huge chunks of my memories. 

Today is a day when I wish I could wake up.  The music is helping. For some reason it helps to bring me back to the here and now.  Even that is starting to cause episodes of Deja Vu. 

I read that episodes of Deja Vu can actually be your brain registering what is happening now as memories.  A misfiring of the brain supposedly. Does the almost constant Deja Vu mean my brain is misfiring on a grand scale, or am I simply suffering from my mental disorder?  I hate not knowing, I really wish I could get better.  I know the medication helps with the mood swings, what helps the rest of it. 

Today I feel that my bi polar is getting the better of me.  Right now my hands are shaking so bad from the medications that its hard to type. 
Oops, spaced out there for a minute, was listening to the music.  At least my brain took a small break.  Typing my thoughts helps me keep track of what is going on.  Well, that's all for now. 

February 4, 2013

Music To Sooth Me From Korea

Music should do something to you.  You should feel it, as well as hear it. Feel it in your soul.  At least that's what music does to me.  I use it to control my moods.  

I am in a very agitated state today.  I went from washing dishes to manically searching out music and information on the internet.   When I am like this, searching for info and music are about the only things that will keep me from screaming. 
It hasn't been a totally fruitless search.  I learned that in East Asia they have two different ways of measuring age. I learned more about Korea today.  I do not know why I am obsessed with Korea, well, South Korea, seeing as North Korea is kinda against the world at the moment. 

Where was I?
Oh, yes, I was typing about music.  I found a new favorite song.  Yes, it's by a Korean group, ha ha, yes, I am obsessed.  I have actually been aware of the group Clazziquai or Clazziquai Project (DJ Clazzi, Alex, Horan are the main members) for about a year now, but this is a song that I just recently found on YouTube while browsing.  

This song is amazing!!!!
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