My Life as of Now

I haven't been blogging much so I figured I would update people as to why and what else I have been doing. 

First thing is I have been changing my hairstyle, from long and curly to short (barely below ears, not like guy short or super short for girls) and the tips went from neon red to a purple.  While I love the color purple I am not sure its taking to my hair quite as well as the red did so its not as bright, I may have to switch back soon.

Second, I have been seeing my doctor or therapist quite often so have been busy with that, as it seems I get put on a new med almost every time I go. I am now currently on four different ones to combat my different issues, which range from Bipolar I to PTSD (newly diagnosed).  I have also learned that not everyone dreams every night which might be why my doctor says my nightmare, anxiety, and social phobia stems from the "trauma" I suffered which caused my PTSD.  I won't deny that I have suffered traumas and that they did cause my social phobias and other anxiety issues, but was surprised that they warranted a diagnosis of PTSD as I pretty much always thought it should be reserved for soldiers or severe traumas.  I suppose I guess that means that in my mind I have put my traumas into the back of my mind and didn't waste any time thinking about them.  However, now that I think about it, there are times I freeze up, panic, or avoid situations that are similar to my traumas.  Ok, enough talk about that.

The third reason I never blog much anymore is I have a new boyfriend. We have been dating for about a month now, and so far he is great. The best part being is that he is actually in the same country as me and I get to see him every day. The reason I mention that is that my last boyfriend was in Canada, and after the first 2 years I never saw him in person and it took another 3 years of me waiting for him to come to America for me to end it.  Now, the new boyfriend is not only in the same country as me  but he is also very sweet and there for me.  He even went to my psych appointment with me and talked to my doctor and even asked a question or two.  He knows I am a little crazy and accepts it and me.  Helps me to remember my meds when I don't and will even get me water to take them with.  I know, sappy, but to slightly crazy person that's like breakfast in bed.  I have told him my limits within a relationship, my phobias and he not only excepts them but helps me to try to work through them.  Like going to a movie where there are lots of people, he held my hand and even asked if I wanted to move to a different seat so I would feel more comfortable.   When we go out to eat he doesn't look at me funny that I have to sit at a certain spot facing a certain way, he just asks which side I want to sit on and is it facing the right way, which to a crazy person that's better than flowers.  In a nutshell he is great.

So, those are the main reasons I haven't been on much, of course I have other things going on as well, but those are the main ones.  I hope to blog again soon, maybe I will post pics of me and my man. 

Hives and New Medicine

My previous medicine that the doctor put me on to help me sleep all of a sudden decided to cause me to break out in hives.  At least that is what I assume caused the hives, as I took the medicine at night started to notice my scalp itching and just brushed it off and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up to my whole front of my body on fire.  That was when I noticed I was covered in welts.  I tried to tolerate it the best I could, took some Benedryl and used some Hydrocortisone Cream to no avail.  My man went with me to the ER when I finally decided to go and very nicely applied ice to my arms to help with some of the burning and itching.  We joked about the impromptu glove icepak being Squidward (from Spongebob).  Besides the uncontrollable itching and misery the trip to the ER seemed to be a success after three different medications being ingested, including Pepcid (normally for heartburn), but in large doses apparently an antihistamine. 
Enough about my hives.

Well, the powers that be put me on a new medication to be taken in conjunction with my Lithium.  I am kinda up in the air about this new medication, because on the one side the people around me says it is helping to stabilize my moods, while I sometimes feel it turns me into a zombie. The jury is still out on whether the benefits out way the side effects. 

Icky Icky Lithium

I suffer from Bi Polar I. Yes, I mean suffer, because that is exactly what it is making me do, suffer. 
I have yet to learn to live with this disorder. Sure, I have learned to cope with it, and go about my daily business to an extent.  I am no where back to where I was when I was younger, before this kicked in, but I seriously doubt I will ever be back to that point mentally. First, I have grown mentally since then.  Has that mental growth made it harder to deal with my disorder, possibly. Has it helped in other ways?  Maybe.  Who knows. 
Right now all I know is that the medication that is supposed to fix my mental disorder is killing me physically.  I have the shakes, bad.  Most would say this is a sign that my medication is in fact poisoning me. I agree and disagree.  Sure, it is a poison that I am putting in my system, but it seems to keep me on a somewhat stable plane of existence. As long as the poisoning is minor the doctors don't seem to see a problem with it, so I guess I should just take these minor symptoms knowing what the alternative is.
The alternative for me is going into a state of either mania or severe depression. 
So I will continue to take the hated Lithium and put up with its side effects simply so I can stay in the world of normalcy like the rest of the normal humans. Tell me again where the fun lies in that? 

End rant for now. 

My Photoshop and Tribal Art

It might not be what some consider tribal in the true sense of the word, but, that's what I call them for lack of a better description.  I doodle, I love to draw and do anything "artsy".

 I also designed this blog. I can't take credit for the art, but I did put it together to make up what is my blog design. Using Photoshop CS4 and altering the code, I did indeed put it together. 

The following are some of my doodles as well as some of the things I have done in Photoshop CS4

This is my fantasy Eeyore, I used an online photo and doctored it a little with some Photoshop brushes and gradients.

Just a Dream

In my mind is a world that doesn't match up with the world outside
in a dream my waiting was worth it, my love meant something
It was just a dream,
I wake up alone, forced to wake up
forced to face reality

Years wasted, waiting.  I am happier now
I do not have to wait anymore
I am free to move on, to dream once more.
Isn't life just a dream, moving through our minds
trying to figure out which is reality

In my next life I don't want to simply dream
I want to live, love and dream together
I want  a dream that comes true, I want to love
Love that is no longer just a dream.