Outdoor Showers and Kerosine Lamps

I wasn't raised the way most young girls are raised.

When I was young and it was warm out, it was normal to make sure to take your showers before it got too dark and the light faded from the sky, mainly because our shower was outside.  Our "summer" shower consisted of a fifty gallon drum that sat on a scaffold in the back of our house. Well, it was in the front but people had a habit of coming down our long drive way causing whoever was taking a shower at the time to run for the house covered in soap. The best way to take an outside shower was to do it fast, in other words get wet, soap up, and rinse off, hopefully before the water got to cold since it was only warmed by the sun and usually not very warm at that.

Spidey's New Boyfriend

We have had a brown orb weaver spider, "Spidey", that has made its web by the back porch light for about 3 weeks now.  This little spider has become nightly entertainment as we smoke on the back porch, as we do not smoke inside.  We watch it build its web, catch bugs, and even perform web cleanup duties when it takes its web down each night.  We waited and worried it might be dying when it went MIA for about three days, however, it turned out to be only molting.  Tonight  we were determined to watch it start its web building from the start, so we waited and waited.  Nothing happened.  The reason became apparent when along came another spider. At first we thought we were going to witness the war of the spiders, but it turned out to be much more romantic.

My Recent Speed Vacation

I recently went on vacation to Virginia Beach with my brother. It never was originally intended to be a long vacation. It was meant to be a day or two max vacation.  Well, we left Kentucky on Monday at about 4:30 pm. We traveled through the West Virginia Appalachians

I Planted Dirt Today

 I planted dirt today. Yep, that's exactly what I did. I scraped away some dirt, took some other dirt and dumped it in, then I smoothed the other dirt back over. I patted it down and then watered it.

Go ahead and laugh, call me crazy, call me whatever will make you feel better. I am not crazy.  Okay, so I have this mood disorder along with some agoraphobia with social anxiety.  I sometimes hear things that others do not.  This has nothing to do with me planting dirt today.

The CAPTCHA

A CAPTCHA is a type of challenge-response test used in computing as an attempt to ensure that the response is generated by a person.

Ok, first off those words are near impossible to tell what they are and I have been sorely tempted to use the verbal ones just so I don't pull my hair in frustration.   I mean I rarely get them wrong, it's simply the thought of getting it wrong and being told I am incompetent by a computer program to publish my post, download my book or song, or to enter what ever cracked out website that this CAPTCHA is guarding in the first place. 

I can just see it now, this computer program sitting there "Laughing" at the puny human because they are too dumb to get it right.  However, on the other hand wouldn't me getting them wrong prove I was human because, "To ere is human" or something like that. 

The Escape Artist

I am not sure whether or not the baby snapping turtle escaped or was eaten today.  However, I do find it mildly amusing that I was watching Diner's, Drive In's, and Dives on Food Network today and they were making Snapping Turtle Soup at some place in Pennsylvania.  I remember looking at the turtle being cooked and saying, "Hey, that looks just like our little snapper."

Maybe the turtle heard my mental thoughts about its "brother" being made into a yummy (so they said on the show) soup.  I am guessing the little turtle heard these mental thoughts and finally said, "To hell with this shit, I am out"  and somehow managed to climb out of the container it was being held in and escaped into the back yard and a hopefully nearby pond.

I will not think of the poor turtle being eaten by some bird on fly by. I will simply think of this strong turtle climbing to freedom and living in some nearby pond.  Good luck little turtle. Have a good life.  I know you can make it to be a strong big turtle, who I hope remembers me if we are ever mucking through the same sludge at some future time and not bite my toes off.

Its Been a Long Time

It has been a long time since I have written on my blog.

A lot has happened since then. I committed myself to the psych ward. I am sure it came to a shock to some people that there was actually something wrong with me. I don't know how to express the happiness I felt when they actually kept me longer than the normal 3 day hold. It kinda felt like an "I told you so."

After years of trying to tell people that I had issues, yes they are indeed all in my head, just not the way those people were thinking.  I am not normal, and I am not lazy or unwilling to do things that normal people do, I am unable to do them.  I would love to have the perfect life where I go to the park with my children, clean house regularly, keep appointments, go grocery shopping, sleep normal hours of the day, and actually be a responsible adult.  However, my life is not so clear cut. Instead I have severe mood swings, paranoia, and social anxiety issues. I would love to do all of the things a normal person does.

I Can't Make People See

I can't make people see whats wrong with me. Sure I have medical issues that doctors can see, diagnosed easily by an exam or an MRI. Why isn't it easier to make them see whats wrong on the inside. I can't put it into words. When I try to tell people whats wrong, they just tell me its mind over matter, its all in my head. Why can't people just understand that I am miserable. That it takes everything I have in me to just be here. That I use every bit of what I am, just doing what I do now, simply existing,  that I don't have anything else left afterward to try and fix myself. I know I need to do more. I want to do more. It's like my mental legs do not want to work. I try to take a step and find I can't move. Mentally that is, I simply can't take that step.

A psychologist once asked me what my biggest fear was, at the time I told her it that my biggest fear was being normal, that this was all in my head and nothing would change. Didn't she see I was crying out for help, help for something that I can't fix on my own. It's not as simple as changing the way I think. Now if you ask me what my biggest fear is, I would tell you that my biggest fear is that one day I won't be afraid to die.

This is not simple. There is no simple fix. This is years of me telling people I need help and being ignored or brushed off. I can't make people see what's on the inside, and I am tired of telling them.

Spock's Brain Night: A Family Tradition

Okay, we have a tradition in our family that each year, on the night before Thanksgiving, we all get together at my mother's house. We have been having this get-together now for over 20 years.  Now, this tradition is not simply a get-together, it has turned into an event for our family. Here is how it all started.

My mother is a huge Star Trek fan. Back in the late 80's-early 90's, she was attempting to get every episode of Star Trek (the original series) on tape. She had managed to get a list of all the episodes and she had diligently recorded each one as it aired on TV as a rerun.

The night before Thanksgiving, she had fixed a simple dinner. A few family members where there and we all sat down at 7:00 pm to eat dinner. At this time, she also started recording "Spock's Brain," the last Star Trek episode she needed to complete her collection.

I Finally Did It!

After many hours of work and such a simple fix (isnt that how it always seems to happen)the blog now has Facebook comment boxes. You will now be able to comment on the blog posts using your Facebook login, just like you comment on Facebook.

Hope

When Pandora opened the box and let all the evil and death out into the world, the only thing left in the box was hope.

I keep telling myself things will be better one day. It's so hard thinking things will get better through a haze of tears. Vision is blurry thoughts are clouded, and the amount of snot that you keep blowing into the tissue can be quite a distraction.

Indian Creek

Indian Creek (located in the Red River Gorge area of Kentucky) was the name of the swimming hole that my family often visited in the summer.

We would pack the cooler full of pops, perishable food items, and ice, sometimes needing to take two coolers. Then we would fill plastic grocery bags with the rest of our food supplies and pack the whole bundle into the back of a truck or in the van. Next it was time to load up the towels, portable army hammock, folding chairs, water toys, sunblock and of course bug spray. After loading the kids

and a couple gallons of fresh spring water

(spring water that we got ourselves from a spring coming out of the side of a mountain) and the adults all situated we were off for a day of fun in the sun.

My Imaginary World

In my imaginary world, the sky would be purple, clouds would be shades of pink.
The grass would be teal, and the water would sparkle like glitter and make music as it moves over rocks. Trees can whisper and animals can talk. Magic would be real. Fairies would live in flowers, and the woods would be magical.

I Shouldn't Be Allowed To

I shouldn't be allowed to talk at work.

I work at a pizza place, mostly making pizza, but every once in a while I am required to work up front as well.

I am usually a smart ass or say things that come out wrong when I say them, tonight was no exception.

My day started at three pm with me working in the back making pizza's, but they needed my help up front. I was running a register when a police officer came in. I knew they got free drinks, but I had never rung one up so did not know precisely how it was done. Here's the point where I stuck my foot in my mouth. I look straight at the cop and said "I have never done a police officer before." I kinda sputtered to the other girl "I meant how do you ring up a police drink", but by this point I am blushing profusely and trying to hide my face.

I Wish I Could

I wish I could make my mind stop for just ten seconds out of the day when I am awake.

Just ten seconds. I talk so much because I have so much going on in my head. I sometimes find myself counting random objects just to make it stop sorting information. Yes, I know its a little OCD.

There is just so much information in my head, and I also cant seem to stop gathering information, about anything, about nothing. I read shampoo bottles, I read billboards, I look at license plates while driving. I am always looking at something and processing everything I see. I cant even write this blog without thinking about ten other things while I do it. I have already written it three times and erased half of it. My mind just wanders to another train of thought.

How I Came by the Name DeathFairy

Well its really simple, and it also has nothing to do with suicide or anything that morbid.

I enjoy playing online first person shooters such as Call of Duty and Battlefield. I got into online gaming because an ex of mine liked to play them, and I would watch him play. I liked playing console games, such as Final Fantasy and many others, but had never played with people online. I found the whole thing interesting. I mean you go online play games and actually can talk to other people, either through the ingame chat onscreen or on VOIP( Voice Over IP, or to the less tech savy, you could talk to them with the use of a mic and headphone setup). One night he asked if I wanted to try. Sure, why the hell not, if you cant beat them join them right?

I Remember When

I remember when I used to spend hours as a child tucked into a corner of the living room with a dog curled at my feet reading a book. Soft classical music played in the background. It was warm outside, and sunlight made dancing patterns on the windows as it shown through the trees. Late nights on the weekends spent reading with a nice gentle breeze blowing through the window. No sounds of cars or busy streets. No electricity, no television, I loved it. Raised by my eccentric grandmother in the middle of the woods in a cabin. Kerosene lamps for light, A whole forest all to myself to roam and explore. Nothing but me, my dogs and

The Great Pepperoni Uprising: A Very Very Short Story

This is just something wacked I thought of today while on a smoke break. So its only a whole 6 minutes of thought put into this. You may think I am crazy but I hope it puts a smile on someones face, it did mine.


The Great Pepperoni Uprising of 2011

The pepperoni staged an uprising today at work, of course I was able to finally take control back from the evil pepperonis, however due to the nature of the crimes committed by the pepperonis and the other toppings I was forced to sacrifice them to the pizza gods as punishment. The method of sacrifice was a trip to the oven.

Little Smiles

I smile a lot, not all the time. Some people ask me why. I don't need a reason to smile. It might be some random amusing thought going through my head, something might just strike me funny. Actually a lot of things strike me as funny. My mind is constantly going, its why I talk so much, I even talk to myself, and here lately the pepperoni and other toppings for the pizzas I make.

15 (Possible) Minutes of Fame

My cousin Derek, according to the whole family, is just a tad bit out there, and apparently its fit for TV. What isn't fit for television these days though, right?

So my cousin eats raw meat, no biggie right? Lots of popular dishes are made of raw meat, theres Sushi, Steak Carpaccio, and Ceviche. Ok, so raw meat is tolerable by societies standards, but he takes this to a whole other level.