It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin...

I went through a slightly mad period. When I say mad I don't mean angry, I mean crazy, wacko, bonkers, well you get it.

I haven't been on my meds like I should, yeah, I know I am  bad girl.

So the other day we were watching a show about the whole UFO-alien structures on the moon thing. I do not watch conspiracy type shows as a rule because they tend to get me all wound up. Well, when I start to get riled  up,  in other words anxious, I start noticing smells, well not noticing so much as I start to worry about smells. My first line of defense when this happens is chewing gum.
it helps me relax a little, I sometimes chew gum. I sometimes chew gum when going to bed. I go through several anxiety caused rituals like this.  Often I will put deodorant on, lotion, spray perfume, shower, wash my hands, or brush my teeth. Needless to say I worry about smell.
Well after watching this show caused my anxiety to go up I went straight for the lotion, and started to rub it on my arms, thinking the whole time how many times I had done this before. I did it every hour while in the mental hospital. The thought that what I was doing and why I was doing it made me start to laugh. Because you have to admit it is kinda crazy, sitting there laughing while rubbing lotion on my skin because of a tv show which only made me think of the movie Silence of the Lambs.  So basically the only thoughts in my head were "I am mad" and "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again".
Ok, so this whole story might not make much sense to anyone else, but then I write this down for me. Also, I never claimed to be sane, normal, or a cookie cutter.

Too Much Stress

I thought that with the new medication I am on that I would be able to tolerate changes in my life, I suppose that theory might have held true if so many changes hadn't happened at once.  I had a minor nervous breakdown, and I basically spent three days drunk, high, or both.  It was just marijuana so don't get so excited over my drug use.  The anxiety meds were prescribed to me and I managed to make three pills last three days.  Sure you aren't supposed to drink with them but as I said I was having a breakdown. 

I won't go into details, lets just say that starting a new job, having relationship problems and possibly not having a place to live just about did me in, not to mention this all happened two days after my birthday and only four days into my new job.  The therapist called it the perfect storm of stress.  Simply too much at once and I simply folded inward.  I kept my job, which in the past I might not have been able too, and the other problems sorta fixed themselves, but I am still not certain as to how it will all end up. 

My doctor upped my medication, but other than that was not much help.  I just wish that I would not be faced with so much stress at once.  It is hard enough for me to deal with day to day life, but add all the other stressful situations into the mix and it makes me want to just check myself into the looney bin.  Hey, they serve bacon nearly everyday, lol. 

Gaslighting the Mentally Unstable?

I sat here perusing my Facebook page when I came across an article about  Why Women Aren't Crazy, and it's basically people (cough cough, men) gaslighting women.  To better understand what I am talking about you must first understand the term gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity.  (Full Article on wiki Here)
I will mainly talk about the comments men make that pertain to the relationship, you know the ones that make our minds go into overtime with jealousy, paranoia, worry, the list could go on.

All women have been a victim of gaslighting a few times in their life, I know I myself have, the difference is I have  several issues with my mental stability in the first place.  I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar I, and more recently PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  Paranoia is one of my worst symptoms, along with uncontrollable anger, and general mistrust of people.

Porn...

Porn is out there on the internet, and I am sure most people have watched it at least once, unless of course you are a God fearing person who thinks porn is Evil, or you think its degrading to women.

There are lots of ways porn can be viewed and even read, such as DVD, Internet, or written Erotica.

How do we feel about our better halves watching it?  Is it something you hate?  Maybe, you don't mind a bit if they watch porn, maybe you watch it together.

Please leave comments in the Facebook comment section.  Thanks. 

Hives and New Medicine

My previous medicine that the doctor put me on to help me sleep all of a sudden decided to cause me to break out in hives.  At least that is what I assume caused the hives, as I took the medicine at night started to notice my scalp itching and just brushed it off and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up to my whole front of my body on fire.  That was when I noticed I was covered in welts.  I tried to tolerate it the best I could, took some Benedryl and used some Hydrocortisone Cream to no avail.  My man went with me to the ER when I finally decided to go and very nicely applied ice to my arms to help with some of the burning and itching.  We joked about the impromptu glove icepak being Squidward (from Spongebob).  Besides the uncontrollable itching and misery the trip to the ER seemed to be a success after three different medications being ingested, including Pepcid (normally for heartburn), but in large doses apparently an antihistamine. 
Enough about my hives.

Well, the powers that be put me on a new medication to be taken in conjunction with my Lithium.  I am kinda up in the air about this new medication, because on the one side the people around me says it is helping to stabilize my moods, while I sometimes feel it turns me into a zombie. The jury is still out on whether the benefits out way the side effects. 

Icky Icky Lithium

I suffer from Bi Polar I. Yes, I mean suffer, because that is exactly what it is making me do, suffer. 
I have yet to learn to live with this disorder. Sure, I have learned to cope with it, and go about my daily business to an extent.  I am no where back to where I was when I was younger, before this kicked in, but I seriously doubt I will ever be back to that point mentally. First, I have grown mentally since then.  Has that mental growth made it harder to deal with my disorder, possibly. Has it helped in other ways?  Maybe.  Who knows. 
Right now all I know is that the medication that is supposed to fix my mental disorder is killing me physically.  I have the shakes, bad.  Most would say this is a sign that my medication is in fact poisoning me. I agree and disagree.  Sure, it is a poison that I am putting in my system, but it seems to keep me on a somewhat stable plane of existence. As long as the poisoning is minor the doctors don't seem to see a problem with it, so I guess I should just take these minor symptoms knowing what the alternative is.
The alternative for me is going into a state of either mania or severe depression. 
So I will continue to take the hated Lithium and put up with its side effects simply so I can stay in the world of normalcy like the rest of the normal humans. Tell me again where the fun lies in that? 

End rant for now. 

The Media or Government- Who Has the Power?

First, my thoughts and prayers go with all of the families who lost loved ones in all of the recent shootings.

I think the people who blame the media and the government for the issues today have already lost all the control you ever had.

I will elaborate a little. By saying the media and government are responsible for whats wrong with this country is basically saying they are in control of it and have the power. Therefore if you blame them and not the people or persons actually responsible then are giving up control and responsibility for your fellow countrymen and their action. The government has already won.

I Truly Am Loosing It

I am truly loosing it. By loosing it of course I mean my mind, what else would I be talking about because I surely am not loosing weight.

For the past several years I have been experiencing more and more episodes of Deja Vu. Sure, I may just be more aware of the episodes and therefor noticing them more often rather than actually experiencing them more often. Ok, that last sentence might be confusing to some so I will explain a little. I said I was more aware thereby noticing them more, and that sounds a little odd. What I meant that I might have previously had numerous episodes and never really paid much attention to them so the episodes I was experiencing were not cataloged by my brain. Ok, I am confusing myself now, lol.  Let me try again. Ok, it can be raining outside, a constant drizzle which you don't pay attention to because its a quiet drizzle, but then it starts to rain harder with bigger rain drops so then you take notice. The fact that it started to rain bigger rain drops which you now notice does not mean that there are MORE raindrops just that the raindrops now are more noticeable than before. So, now my Deja Vu episodes have possibly become a harder rainfall and therefor more noticeable. I told you I was loosing it. Other theories for Deja Vu are that Deja Vu are checkpoints in our lives that were set by Fate or even our previous self from a former life, to let us know that we are on the right track, the track of our life that we are supposed to be on. So great I have either spirits or Fate telling me I am where I am supposed to be.  I still think I am loosing it however.  Now on to the next reason I think I am loosing it, I find myself glancing at the digital clock and at least once a day it comes up in triple numbers.

When I mention triple numbers I mean, 3:33, 5:55, or 7:77.  I do not sit there and look at the clock all that often as my day isn't usually filled with reasons to look at a clock, such as work or appointments. I look at different times each day and at least one of those times it comes up triple numbers.  I do not know why this is bothering me so bad except for the fact that it happens once a day and to a paranoid mind I am convinced it means something.  Sure I think the Deja Vu episodes are a sign of something wrong with my brain. Now, I wonder what is causing the number issue. It surely cannot possibly be something inside me causing it, it has to be external or just mere coincidence. However, when you look it up on the internet you mainly come up with the theory about 11:11, which brings up the "Midwayers", or spirit beings which cause us to look at clocks at specific times so that we can see these triple digits. On some religious sites they call them (midwayers) demons and others call them spirit guides and healers.

So great, now not only do I have spirits telling me I am where I am supposed to be in life but I also have spirits sending me signals through my digital clock.  I am agnostic I do not believe in God or Satan, angels or demons. However, I do believe I am going nuts. As if I did not have enough issues with my mind now I have this too.

Maybe I should just quit looking for info. Maybe I am making myself go wacko. Maybe I am not wacko at all, but I am simply trying to make sense of a world I cannot make sense of in the first place.  Maybe I notice too much and need to stop paying so much attention to the things around me, as it evidently is not healthy for my state of mind and peace of mind.

I think I might like to read "The Urantia Book", where the Midwayers are mentioned. It sounds like a very interesting read.  The Urantia Book (Wikipedia)
Even though it seems much of it might be plagiarized (gathered from different sources)  it seems to be an interesting book.

The CAPTCHA

A CAPTCHA is a type of challenge-response test used in computing as an attempt to ensure that the response is generated by a person.

Ok, first off those words are near impossible to tell what they are and I have been sorely tempted to use the verbal ones just so I don't pull my hair in frustration.   I mean I rarely get them wrong, it's simply the thought of getting it wrong and being told I am incompetent by a computer program to publish my post, download my book or song, or to enter what ever cracked out website that this CAPTCHA is guarding in the first place. 

I can just see it now, this computer program sitting there "Laughing" at the puny human because they are too dumb to get it right.  However, on the other hand wouldn't me getting them wrong prove I was human because, "To ere is human" or something like that. 

I Feel a Little Looney Tunes

Well, I am expecting the top of my head to fly off, eyes to bug out, and smoke to start pouring out of my ears. You may ask why? Well, here's why.

We have all seen a Looney Tune's cartoon where a character eats something hot, someone makes them mad, or they simply do to many things at one time, then their eye will start to twitch, smoke blows out their ears, then the top of their head blows off and you hear a train whistle sound. I have the eye twitches, so the next step is smoke out of the ears, and the top of my head will simply fly off. I am not entirely sure if the whistle will sound or not. I just wish I could remember what made them better. I don't think sticking my head in a barrel of water will help much, and they never stated the length of time needed underwater for it to be therapeutic. I also cannot go on a rampage destroying things like the Tasmanian Devil, Taz, that would hardly be productive since that would just mean I would be stuck with a mess to clean up.

Random Ramblings

Oh, lets just see what could possibly be coming up from the depths inside Deathfairy/Heather's mind today.

It's sunny and warm today, and as much as I would like to go outside and work on the garden, I just don't seem to be able to drag up the energy to.

I am back on full doses of all my medications. So basically I am going to be poisoning myself for the next week or so until my body says that it can deal with that amount of poison. I guess it all comes down to making choices. Choice one is go back to being an emotional nutcase stuck on a roller-coaster of monstrous size, and choice two being I get to be an emotional nutcase stuck on a kiddie sized roller-coaster. I think I will choose choice two. That being said I know what the monster size coaster was like and have yet to ride the kiddie sized one.

Search Engines and What They Are For

This blog post will be mainly me talking about my main complaint that I have with others on the internet. The fact that so many people seem clueless as to how to use the internet.

Wikipedia says that "The Internet carries a vast range of information resources and services, such as the inter-linked hypertext documents of the World Wide Web (WWW) and the infrastructure to support electronic mail." 

Ugh, so why do people not use it as its intended?

I see people everyday who post questions on Facebook, or other such sites. Seriously, you are asking a question on a social site, while on the internet. It takes all I have to not simply post FLUID, which is an acronym for F**king Look It Up I Did.

I mean, usually for someone to answer your question, they (unless of course they know exactly what you are asking about) will have to look up your answer on guess what? The INTERNET, using guess what? A SEARCH ENGINE.

Now, I wonder why they are called search engines? Hmm, could it be because you use it to search for answers to your questions or information? Could it possibly be because they are useful when searching for things you want to find?  Let's see what a search engine really is. I will now Google (guess what Google is? A search engine, imagine that) the term search engine. 

Now You See It, Now You Don't

 I have been reading the comments on a page for a fallen officer on Facebook. What I have seen so far disgusts me. I made a simple comment on a post, it is as follows. (the post was about the death penalty and whether or not Canada should bring it back)

As you can see it took less than ten minutes for my comment to be removed. 

and now its gone.

 What was so wrong about my comment? Why is this even being discussed on a supposed memorial page. I do not know who runs this page and I do not care, but if you are going to bring up a topic, you should let people discuss it without censorship. Unless of course there is name calling, rude, or racist comments, which I do not think mine was. Other comments are also being deleted, some rude, some merely telling the admin their thoughts, which apparently did not sit well with the admin. They are as follows.

I Have a Cyber Stalker

Laugh Out Loud. I got sent a nasty message today and it couldn't make me happier.  Wow, really get some new material before sending out a nasty note. Learn how to read as well. I never called anyone African American, I said the person was racist against anyone who wasn't, in other words white people, which you only proved by calling me white trash when you indeed know nothing about me. I am also not a murder or rapist. Which I also said you accuse people of. So you are only living up to my expectations, so thanks for confirming what I had previously stated. I would have said thanks in a reply but you had already blocked me. Thanks for saving me the trouble.

I could really care less as to what you claim to be or not to be. The truth always comes out in the end. I do not have to call you names, or accuse you of things you are not guilty of. I am sure you will eventually dig your own grave without my help.
So goodbye.

Trash Talking and Drama

After pouring over the statistics for my blog it has come to my attention that the posts that talk shit about something or someone get more page views than other posts. This proves one thing, people like drama. Whether they like to admit it or not, you all like drama. Sure you might not like it in your own life but you sure as heck don't mind reading about it in other peoples lives.

So, I Believe in Fairies, Your Point Is?

Someone made a comment on a previous blog post, "President Obama said...
Yo white girl, YOU SICK. Anyway u believe in fairies so LMAO! Vote for me 2012.
September 7, 2011 9:25 PM." This statement kinda makes me giggle. I will explain why.

Pledge of Allegiance

Ok, I keep seeing posts on Facebook about the Pledge of Allegiance: about how it's not said in school, how different companies, products, and organizations, should be boycotted because they do not want to include the words "under god." I have a few thoughts on that.

Yes, I love my country, however, I do not believe in the Christian god. The words imply that everyone in America follows one god when, in fact, Americans and immigrants alike, do not follow one god and, in fact, it is a protected right in America to have freedom of religion. Did you know the Pledge of Allegiance didn't include the words "under god" until 1954? The original pledge also didn't include the words, "United States of America". It was originally written as so, "I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Questionable Behavior for Someone Who Isn't Hiding Anything.

Makes you wonder what is really going on. I have been told by several people that this woman is a liar, "Ms Kemi" Omololu-Olunloyo . I have visited the blog page several times, and on one such visit I noticed it said the blog had been featured on BET, VH1, MTV, among others, so I went in search to see if this was indeed true, I mean possibly it could be. I searched and searched all three websites to no avail. Not one thing mentioned about this blog, beyond some comments that they themselves left on another article, which is a far cry from being featured. I wanted to read where they were featured, so I asked

Twitter and Facebook, Controlling Your Minds

So, I finally broke down and signed up for Twitter. The first thing I discovered is how limited it is when it comes to posting "Tweets". 140 characters or less, seriously, like I could ever say whats on my mind in 140 characters or less. I am lucky if I can say "Hi", or "Bye" in 140 characters of less, none the less formulate a single thought in that few letters. My conclusion is that they don't really want you to "Tweet" anything really worth "Tweeting", but merely the most mundane thought that crossed your mind in the last five seconds. They don't really want to know "What's happening", unless of course I might happen to be monosyllabic. I keep finding myself having to shorten even my shortest thoughts, at which point they are not really what I was wanting to say, but a hacked up, shortened version of it that really makes no sense anymore. Facebook, is a little better but not much more so.

The Laziness of Food

One can always tell if someone is lazy or just a plain bad cook when what they prepare comes out of the freezer section of the supermarket, a can, or is something that would be served to children at a family get-together outdoors like hot dogs or hamburgers. I realize some people never learned to cook and had to fend for themselves or always had someone to do it for them, but such circumstances are no excuse for the pitiful attempts seen on today's tables. Even with all of this "foodie" bullshit running rampant and the annoyance of every Tom, Dick, and Harry thinking he is a connoisseur of all things food related, people still cook crap.