It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin...

I went through a slightly mad period. When I say mad I don't mean angry, I mean crazy, wacko, bonkers, well you get it.

I haven't been on my meds like I should, yeah, I know I am  bad girl.

So the other day we were watching a show about the whole UFO-alien structures on the moon thing. I do not watch conspiracy type shows as a rule because they tend to get me all wound up. Well, when I start to get riled  up,  in other words anxious, I start noticing smells, well not noticing so much as I start to worry about smells. My first line of defense when this happens is chewing gum.
it helps me relax a little, I sometimes chew gum. I sometimes chew gum when going to bed. I go through several anxiety caused rituals like this.  Often I will put deodorant on, lotion, spray perfume, shower, wash my hands, or brush my teeth. Needless to say I worry about smell.
Well after watching this show caused my anxiety to go up I went straight for the lotion, and started to rub it on my arms, thinking the whole time how many times I had done this before. I did it every hour while in the mental hospital. The thought that what I was doing and why I was doing it made me start to laugh. Because you have to admit it is kinda crazy, sitting there laughing while rubbing lotion on my skin because of a tv show which only made me think of the movie Silence of the Lambs.  So basically the only thoughts in my head were "I am mad" and "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again".
Ok, so this whole story might not make much sense to anyone else, but then I write this down for me. Also, I never claimed to be sane, normal, or a cookie cutter.

Too Much Stress

I thought that with the new medication I am on that I would be able to tolerate changes in my life, I suppose that theory might have held true if so many changes hadn't happened at once.  I had a minor nervous breakdown, and I basically spent three days drunk, high, or both.  It was just marijuana so don't get so excited over my drug use.  The anxiety meds were prescribed to me and I managed to make three pills last three days.  Sure you aren't supposed to drink with them but as I said I was having a breakdown. 

I won't go into details, lets just say that starting a new job, having relationship problems and possibly not having a place to live just about did me in, not to mention this all happened two days after my birthday and only four days into my new job.  The therapist called it the perfect storm of stress.  Simply too much at once and I simply folded inward.  I kept my job, which in the past I might not have been able too, and the other problems sorta fixed themselves, but I am still not certain as to how it will all end up. 

My doctor upped my medication, but other than that was not much help.  I just wish that I would not be faced with so much stress at once.  It is hard enough for me to deal with day to day life, but add all the other stressful situations into the mix and it makes me want to just check myself into the looney bin.  Hey, they serve bacon nearly everyday, lol. 

Gaslighting the Mentally Unstable?

I sat here perusing my Facebook page when I came across an article about  Why Women Aren't Crazy, and it's basically people (cough cough, men) gaslighting women.  To better understand what I am talking about you must first understand the term gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity.  (Full Article on wiki Here)
I will mainly talk about the comments men make that pertain to the relationship, you know the ones that make our minds go into overtime with jealousy, paranoia, worry, the list could go on.

All women have been a victim of gaslighting a few times in their life, I know I myself have, the difference is I have  several issues with my mental stability in the first place.  I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar I, and more recently PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  Paranoia is one of my worst symptoms, along with uncontrollable anger, and general mistrust of people.

Porn...

Porn is out there on the internet, and I am sure most people have watched it at least once, unless of course you are a God fearing person who thinks porn is Evil, or you think its degrading to women.

There are lots of ways porn can be viewed and even read, such as DVD, Internet, or written Erotica.

How do we feel about our better halves watching it?  Is it something you hate?  Maybe, you don't mind a bit if they watch porn, maybe you watch it together.

Please leave comments in the Facebook comment section.  Thanks. 

Medications Are Working

It seems the medications the doc has me on might actually be working.  After a year plus some, the meds or combination there of seem to be actually doing what they are supposed to be doing after all.  Thank goodness.

  I am going through a depressive phase as of late, but its not nearly as bad as they were in the past. I can still seem to function even though I do not want to do much of anything, I am still quite able if I get a bug up my ass to do so. For this I am very thankful.  It's much better than sitting in my empty apartment and crying over spilled milk so to speak.

My Life as of Now

I haven't been blogging much so I figured I would update people as to why and what else I have been doing. 

First thing is I have been changing my hairstyle, from long and curly to short (barely below ears, not like guy short or super short for girls) and the tips went from neon red to a purple.  While I love the color purple I am not sure its taking to my hair quite as well as the red did so its not as bright, I may have to switch back soon.

Second, I have been seeing my doctor or therapist quite often so have been busy with that, as it seems I get put on a new med almost every time I go. I am now currently on four different ones to combat my different issues, which range from Bipolar I to PTSD (newly diagnosed).  I have also learned that not everyone dreams every night which might be why my doctor says my nightmare, anxiety, and social phobia stems from the "trauma" I suffered which caused my PTSD.  I won't deny that I have suffered traumas and that they did cause my social phobias and other anxiety issues, but was surprised that they warranted a diagnosis of PTSD as I pretty much always thought it should be reserved for soldiers or severe traumas.  I suppose I guess that means that in my mind I have put my traumas into the back of my mind and didn't waste any time thinking about them.  However, now that I think about it, there are times I freeze up, panic, or avoid situations that are similar to my traumas.  Ok, enough talk about that.

The third reason I never blog much anymore is I have a new boyfriend. We have been dating for about a month now, and so far he is great. The best part being is that he is actually in the same country as me and I get to see him every day. The reason I mention that is that my last boyfriend was in Canada, and after the first 2 years I never saw him in person and it took another 3 years of me waiting for him to come to America for me to end it.  Now, the new boyfriend is not only in the same country as me  but he is also very sweet and there for me.  He even went to my psych appointment with me and talked to my doctor and even asked a question or two.  He knows I am a little crazy and accepts it and me.  Helps me to remember my meds when I don't and will even get me water to take them with.  I know, sappy, but to slightly crazy person that's like breakfast in bed.  I have told him my limits within a relationship, my phobias and he not only excepts them but helps me to try to work through them.  Like going to a movie where there are lots of people, he held my hand and even asked if I wanted to move to a different seat so I would feel more comfortable.   When we go out to eat he doesn't look at me funny that I have to sit at a certain spot facing a certain way, he just asks which side I want to sit on and is it facing the right way, which to a crazy person that's better than flowers.  In a nutshell he is great.

So, those are the main reasons I haven't been on much, of course I have other things going on as well, but those are the main ones.  I hope to blog again soon, maybe I will post pics of me and my man. 

Hives and New Medicine

My previous medicine that the doctor put me on to help me sleep all of a sudden decided to cause me to break out in hives.  At least that is what I assume caused the hives, as I took the medicine at night started to notice my scalp itching and just brushed it off and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up to my whole front of my body on fire.  That was when I noticed I was covered in welts.  I tried to tolerate it the best I could, took some Benedryl and used some Hydrocortisone Cream to no avail.  My man went with me to the ER when I finally decided to go and very nicely applied ice to my arms to help with some of the burning and itching.  We joked about the impromptu glove icepak being Squidward (from Spongebob).  Besides the uncontrollable itching and misery the trip to the ER seemed to be a success after three different medications being ingested, including Pepcid (normally for heartburn), but in large doses apparently an antihistamine. 
Enough about my hives.

Well, the powers that be put me on a new medication to be taken in conjunction with my Lithium.  I am kinda up in the air about this new medication, because on the one side the people around me says it is helping to stabilize my moods, while I sometimes feel it turns me into a zombie. The jury is still out on whether the benefits out way the side effects. 

Icky Icky Lithium

I suffer from Bi Polar I. Yes, I mean suffer, because that is exactly what it is making me do, suffer. 
I have yet to learn to live with this disorder. Sure, I have learned to cope with it, and go about my daily business to an extent.  I am no where back to where I was when I was younger, before this kicked in, but I seriously doubt I will ever be back to that point mentally. First, I have grown mentally since then.  Has that mental growth made it harder to deal with my disorder, possibly. Has it helped in other ways?  Maybe.  Who knows. 
Right now all I know is that the medication that is supposed to fix my mental disorder is killing me physically.  I have the shakes, bad.  Most would say this is a sign that my medication is in fact poisoning me. I agree and disagree.  Sure, it is a poison that I am putting in my system, but it seems to keep me on a somewhat stable plane of existence. As long as the poisoning is minor the doctors don't seem to see a problem with it, so I guess I should just take these minor symptoms knowing what the alternative is.
The alternative for me is going into a state of either mania or severe depression. 
So I will continue to take the hated Lithium and put up with its side effects simply so I can stay in the world of normalcy like the rest of the normal humans. Tell me again where the fun lies in that? 

End rant for now. 

The Media or Government- Who Has the Power?

First, my thoughts and prayers go with all of the families who lost loved ones in all of the recent shootings.

I think the people who blame the media and the government for the issues today have already lost all the control you ever had.

I will elaborate a little. By saying the media and government are responsible for whats wrong with this country is basically saying they are in control of it and have the power. Therefore if you blame them and not the people or persons actually responsible then are giving up control and responsibility for your fellow countrymen and their action. The government has already won.

Sometimes, I Wish I was a Cat

Sometimes, I wish I was a cat. To have nice little beds and pillows would be great along with the fancy canned food and someone to massage my head and rub my back (I’ll have someone for that next week). Then everything else is sleeping and maybe some running around to play with the many kitty toys (I’m still not sure about the laser pointer, though). I could sit in the sunbeam on the floor and purr when someone I like walked by. Cats don’t worry about anything nor do they care about politics or try to maintain their sanity upon waking up in the morning. They just be cats and do cat things: eat, sleep, shed, meow, purr, etc. When I really think about it, all they expect is food unless they’re mousers. Life would be simpler as a cat, perpetual Zen. But life isn’t simple and I’m not a cat. Oh, well, back to the grindstone.

Halloween Nail Art-Robin Moses

It's that time of year again, and once again Robin Moses is cranking out some great Halloween themed nail designs.  She is such a great nail artist and shows you how to do each design.  You can check out her work on her YouTube Channel,  Blog, or  Facebook page.  Get some inspiration for your own nail designs or just use some of her great designs to make your own or other peoples nails super great this Halloween.

On her pages you can find so much more than just Halloween Themed Nails. She has tons of videos that cover so many design categories you can literally spend all day watching and never watch the same one twice. Its a great place to look for all of your nail design tutorials.  

Since Robin takes the time to make these videos and show us how to make these gorgeous designs, take the few seconds and make sure you give her some credit if you use her designs and  show them off by saying Inspired by Robin Moses, not only is a great way to say thanks for the inspiration but her designs are copyrighted and all she asks for the use of them is a sentence saying she inspired you.

Here are just a few of her great Halloween designs.

I can't wait till Halloween and I am sure neither can you. 

Please feel free to share you inspired Halloween nail art either here or with Robin herself on her Facebook page.  Looking forward to seeing it and hearing from you.  Happy Halloween!!

I Truly Am Loosing It

I am truly loosing it. By loosing it of course I mean my mind, what else would I be talking about because I surely am not loosing weight.

For the past several years I have been experiencing more and more episodes of Deja Vu. Sure, I may just be more aware of the episodes and therefor noticing them more often rather than actually experiencing them more often. Ok, that last sentence might be confusing to some so I will explain a little. I said I was more aware thereby noticing them more, and that sounds a little odd. What I meant that I might have previously had numerous episodes and never really paid much attention to them so the episodes I was experiencing were not cataloged by my brain. Ok, I am confusing myself now, lol.  Let me try again. Ok, it can be raining outside, a constant drizzle which you don't pay attention to because its a quiet drizzle, but then it starts to rain harder with bigger rain drops so then you take notice. The fact that it started to rain bigger rain drops which you now notice does not mean that there are MORE raindrops just that the raindrops now are more noticeable than before. So, now my Deja Vu episodes have possibly become a harder rainfall and therefor more noticeable. I told you I was loosing it. Other theories for Deja Vu are that Deja Vu are checkpoints in our lives that were set by Fate or even our previous self from a former life, to let us know that we are on the right track, the track of our life that we are supposed to be on. So great I have either spirits or Fate telling me I am where I am supposed to be.  I still think I am loosing it however.  Now on to the next reason I think I am loosing it, I find myself glancing at the digital clock and at least once a day it comes up in triple numbers.

When I mention triple numbers I mean, 3:33, 5:55, or 7:77.  I do not sit there and look at the clock all that often as my day isn't usually filled with reasons to look at a clock, such as work or appointments. I look at different times each day and at least one of those times it comes up triple numbers.  I do not know why this is bothering me so bad except for the fact that it happens once a day and to a paranoid mind I am convinced it means something.  Sure I think the Deja Vu episodes are a sign of something wrong with my brain. Now, I wonder what is causing the number issue. It surely cannot possibly be something inside me causing it, it has to be external or just mere coincidence. However, when you look it up on the internet you mainly come up with the theory about 11:11, which brings up the "Midwayers", or spirit beings which cause us to look at clocks at specific times so that we can see these triple digits. On some religious sites they call them (midwayers) demons and others call them spirit guides and healers.

So great, now not only do I have spirits telling me I am where I am supposed to be in life but I also have spirits sending me signals through my digital clock.  I am agnostic I do not believe in God or Satan, angels or demons. However, I do believe I am going nuts. As if I did not have enough issues with my mind now I have this too.

Maybe I should just quit looking for info. Maybe I am making myself go wacko. Maybe I am not wacko at all, but I am simply trying to make sense of a world I cannot make sense of in the first place.  Maybe I notice too much and need to stop paying so much attention to the things around me, as it evidently is not healthy for my state of mind and peace of mind.

I think I might like to read "The Urantia Book", where the Midwayers are mentioned. It sounds like a very interesting read.  The Urantia Book (Wikipedia)
Even though it seems much of it might be plagiarized (gathered from different sources)  it seems to be an interesting book.

Outdoor Showers and Kerosine Lamps

I wasn't raised the way most young girls are raised.

When I was young and it was warm out, it was normal to make sure to take your showers before it got too dark and the light faded from the sky, mainly because our shower was outside.  Our "summer" shower consisted of a fifty gallon drum that sat on a scaffold in the back of our house. Well, it was in the front but people had a habit of coming down our long drive way causing whoever was taking a shower at the time to run for the house covered in soap. The best way to take an outside shower was to do it fast, in other words get wet, soap up, and rinse off, hopefully before the water got to cold since it was only warmed by the sun and usually not very warm at that.

Spidey's New Boyfriend

We have had a brown orb weaver spider, "Spidey", that has made its web by the back porch light for about 3 weeks now.  This little spider has become nightly entertainment as we smoke on the back porch, as we do not smoke inside.  We watch it build its web, catch bugs, and even perform web cleanup duties when it takes its web down each night.  We waited and worried it might be dying when it went MIA for about three days, however, it turned out to be only molting.  Tonight  we were determined to watch it start its web building from the start, so we waited and waited.  Nothing happened.  The reason became apparent when along came another spider. At first we thought we were going to witness the war of the spiders, but it turned out to be much more romantic.

My Recent Speed Vacation

I recently went on vacation to Virginia Beach with my brother. It never was originally intended to be a long vacation. It was meant to be a day or two max vacation.  Well, we left Kentucky on Monday at about 4:30 pm. We traveled through the West Virginia Appalachians

I Planted Dirt Today

 I planted dirt today. Yep, that's exactly what I did. I scraped away some dirt, took some other dirt and dumped it in, then I smoothed the other dirt back over. I patted it down and then watered it.

Go ahead and laugh, call me crazy, call me whatever will make you feel better. I am not crazy.  Okay, so I have this mood disorder along with some agoraphobia with social anxiety.  I sometimes hear things that others do not.  This has nothing to do with me planting dirt today.

The CAPTCHA

A CAPTCHA is a type of challenge-response test used in computing as an attempt to ensure that the response is generated by a person.

Ok, first off those words are near impossible to tell what they are and I have been sorely tempted to use the verbal ones just so I don't pull my hair in frustration.   I mean I rarely get them wrong, it's simply the thought of getting it wrong and being told I am incompetent by a computer program to publish my post, download my book or song, or to enter what ever cracked out website that this CAPTCHA is guarding in the first place. 

I can just see it now, this computer program sitting there "Laughing" at the puny human because they are too dumb to get it right.  However, on the other hand wouldn't me getting them wrong prove I was human because, "To ere is human" or something like that. 

The Escape Artist

I am not sure whether or not the baby snapping turtle escaped or was eaten today.  However, I do find it mildly amusing that I was watching Diner's, Drive In's, and Dives on Food Network today and they were making Snapping Turtle Soup at some place in Pennsylvania.  I remember looking at the turtle being cooked and saying, "Hey, that looks just like our little snapper."

Maybe the turtle heard my mental thoughts about its "brother" being made into a yummy (so they said on the show) soup.  I am guessing the little turtle heard these mental thoughts and finally said, "To hell with this shit, I am out"  and somehow managed to climb out of the container it was being held in and escaped into the back yard and a hopefully nearby pond.

I will not think of the poor turtle being eaten by some bird on fly by. I will simply think of this strong turtle climbing to freedom and living in some nearby pond.  Good luck little turtle. Have a good life.  I know you can make it to be a strong big turtle, who I hope remembers me if we are ever mucking through the same sludge at some future time and not bite my toes off.

I Feel a Little Looney Tunes

Well, I am expecting the top of my head to fly off, eyes to bug out, and smoke to start pouring out of my ears. You may ask why? Well, here's why.

We have all seen a Looney Tune's cartoon where a character eats something hot, someone makes them mad, or they simply do to many things at one time, then their eye will start to twitch, smoke blows out their ears, then the top of their head blows off and you hear a train whistle sound. I have the eye twitches, so the next step is smoke out of the ears, and the top of my head will simply fly off. I am not entirely sure if the whistle will sound or not. I just wish I could remember what made them better. I don't think sticking my head in a barrel of water will help much, and they never stated the length of time needed underwater for it to be therapeutic. I also cannot go on a rampage destroying things like the Tasmanian Devil, Taz, that would hardly be productive since that would just mean I would be stuck with a mess to clean up.

Random Ramblings

Oh, lets just see what could possibly be coming up from the depths inside Deathfairy/Heather's mind today.

It's sunny and warm today, and as much as I would like to go outside and work on the garden, I just don't seem to be able to drag up the energy to.

I am back on full doses of all my medications. So basically I am going to be poisoning myself for the next week or so until my body says that it can deal with that amount of poison. I guess it all comes down to making choices. Choice one is go back to being an emotional nutcase stuck on a roller-coaster of monstrous size, and choice two being I get to be an emotional nutcase stuck on a kiddie sized roller-coaster. I think I will choose choice two. That being said I know what the monster size coaster was like and have yet to ride the kiddie sized one.