It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin...

I went through a slightly mad period. When I say mad I don't mean angry, I mean crazy, wacko, bonkers, well you get it.

I haven't been on my meds like I should, yeah, I know I am  bad girl.

So the other day we were watching a show about the whole UFO-alien structures on the moon thing. I do not watch conspiracy type shows as a rule because they tend to get me all wound up. Well, when I start to get riled  up,  in other words anxious, I start noticing smells, well not noticing so much as I start to worry about smells. My first line of defense when this happens is chewing gum.
it helps me relax a little, I sometimes chew gum. I sometimes chew gum when going to bed. I go through several anxiety caused rituals like this.  Often I will put deodorant on, lotion, spray perfume, shower, wash my hands, or brush my teeth. Needless to say I worry about smell.
Well after watching this show caused my anxiety to go up I went straight for the lotion, and started to rub it on my arms, thinking the whole time how many times I had done this before. I did it every hour while in the mental hospital. The thought that what I was doing and why I was doing it made me start to laugh. Because you have to admit it is kinda crazy, sitting there laughing while rubbing lotion on my skin because of a tv show which only made me think of the movie Silence of the Lambs.  So basically the only thoughts in my head were "I am mad" and "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again".
Ok, so this whole story might not make much sense to anyone else, but then I write this down for me. Also, I never claimed to be sane, normal, or a cookie cutter.

Miss Blogging

I miss writing in my blog, I need to do it more often. It is a way of sorting out my thoughts and feelings that I am having  trouble dealing with in my head and sometimes writing them out helps. Hopefully, I will have time to blog again in the future.  Until then know that I am well, halfway sane and still medicated, lol.

Too Much Stress

I thought that with the new medication I am on that I would be able to tolerate changes in my life, I suppose that theory might have held true if so many changes hadn't happened at once.  I had a minor nervous breakdown, and I basically spent three days drunk, high, or both.  It was just marijuana so don't get so excited over my drug use.  The anxiety meds were prescribed to me and I managed to make three pills last three days.  Sure you aren't supposed to drink with them but as I said I was having a breakdown. 

I won't go into details, lets just say that starting a new job, having relationship problems and possibly not having a place to live just about did me in, not to mention this all happened two days after my birthday and only four days into my new job.  The therapist called it the perfect storm of stress.  Simply too much at once and I simply folded inward.  I kept my job, which in the past I might not have been able too, and the other problems sorta fixed themselves, but I am still not certain as to how it will all end up. 

My doctor upped my medication, but other than that was not much help.  I just wish that I would not be faced with so much stress at once.  It is hard enough for me to deal with day to day life, but add all the other stressful situations into the mix and it makes me want to just check myself into the looney bin.  Hey, they serve bacon nearly everyday, lol. 

Gaslighting the Mentally Unstable?

I sat here perusing my Facebook page when I came across an article about  Why Women Aren't Crazy, and it's basically people (cough cough, men) gaslighting women.  To better understand what I am talking about you must first understand the term gaslighting.

Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt his or her own memory, perception and sanity.  (Full Article on wiki Here)
I will mainly talk about the comments men make that pertain to the relationship, you know the ones that make our minds go into overtime with jealousy, paranoia, worry, the list could go on.

All women have been a victim of gaslighting a few times in their life, I know I myself have, the difference is I have  several issues with my mental stability in the first place.  I have been diagnosed with Bi Polar I, and more recently PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).  Paranoia is one of my worst symptoms, along with uncontrollable anger, and general mistrust of people.

Medications Are Working

It seems the medications the doc has me on might actually be working.  After a year plus some, the meds or combination there of seem to be actually doing what they are supposed to be doing after all.  Thank goodness.

  I am going through a depressive phase as of late, but its not nearly as bad as they were in the past. I can still seem to function even though I do not want to do much of anything, I am still quite able if I get a bug up my ass to do so. For this I am very thankful.  It's much better than sitting in my empty apartment and crying over spilled milk so to speak.

My Life as of Now

I haven't been blogging much so I figured I would update people as to why and what else I have been doing. 

First thing is I have been changing my hairstyle, from long and curly to short (barely below ears, not like guy short or super short for girls) and the tips went from neon red to a purple.  While I love the color purple I am not sure its taking to my hair quite as well as the red did so its not as bright, I may have to switch back soon.

Second, I have been seeing my doctor or therapist quite often so have been busy with that, as it seems I get put on a new med almost every time I go. I am now currently on four different ones to combat my different issues, which range from Bipolar I to PTSD (newly diagnosed).  I have also learned that not everyone dreams every night which might be why my doctor says my nightmare, anxiety, and social phobia stems from the "trauma" I suffered which caused my PTSD.  I won't deny that I have suffered traumas and that they did cause my social phobias and other anxiety issues, but was surprised that they warranted a diagnosis of PTSD as I pretty much always thought it should be reserved for soldiers or severe traumas.  I suppose I guess that means that in my mind I have put my traumas into the back of my mind and didn't waste any time thinking about them.  However, now that I think about it, there are times I freeze up, panic, or avoid situations that are similar to my traumas.  Ok, enough talk about that.

The third reason I never blog much anymore is I have a new boyfriend. We have been dating for about a month now, and so far he is great. The best part being is that he is actually in the same country as me and I get to see him every day. The reason I mention that is that my last boyfriend was in Canada, and after the first 2 years I never saw him in person and it took another 3 years of me waiting for him to come to America for me to end it.  Now, the new boyfriend is not only in the same country as me  but he is also very sweet and there for me.  He even went to my psych appointment with me and talked to my doctor and even asked a question or two.  He knows I am a little crazy and accepts it and me.  Helps me to remember my meds when I don't and will even get me water to take them with.  I know, sappy, but to slightly crazy person that's like breakfast in bed.  I have told him my limits within a relationship, my phobias and he not only excepts them but helps me to try to work through them.  Like going to a movie where there are lots of people, he held my hand and even asked if I wanted to move to a different seat so I would feel more comfortable.   When we go out to eat he doesn't look at me funny that I have to sit at a certain spot facing a certain way, he just asks which side I want to sit on and is it facing the right way, which to a crazy person that's better than flowers.  In a nutshell he is great.

So, those are the main reasons I haven't been on much, of course I have other things going on as well, but those are the main ones.  I hope to blog again soon, maybe I will post pics of me and my man. 

Hives and New Medicine

My previous medicine that the doctor put me on to help me sleep all of a sudden decided to cause me to break out in hives.  At least that is what I assume caused the hives, as I took the medicine at night started to notice my scalp itching and just brushed it off and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up to my whole front of my body on fire.  That was when I noticed I was covered in welts.  I tried to tolerate it the best I could, took some Benedryl and used some Hydrocortisone Cream to no avail.  My man went with me to the ER when I finally decided to go and very nicely applied ice to my arms to help with some of the burning and itching.  We joked about the impromptu glove icepak being Squidward (from Spongebob).  Besides the uncontrollable itching and misery the trip to the ER seemed to be a success after three different medications being ingested, including Pepcid (normally for heartburn), but in large doses apparently an antihistamine. 
Enough about my hives.

Well, the powers that be put me on a new medication to be taken in conjunction with my Lithium.  I am kinda up in the air about this new medication, because on the one side the people around me says it is helping to stabilize my moods, while I sometimes feel it turns me into a zombie. The jury is still out on whether the benefits out way the side effects. 

Icky Icky Lithium

I suffer from Bi Polar I. Yes, I mean suffer, because that is exactly what it is making me do, suffer. 
I have yet to learn to live with this disorder. Sure, I have learned to cope with it, and go about my daily business to an extent.  I am no where back to where I was when I was younger, before this kicked in, but I seriously doubt I will ever be back to that point mentally. First, I have grown mentally since then.  Has that mental growth made it harder to deal with my disorder, possibly. Has it helped in other ways?  Maybe.  Who knows. 
Right now all I know is that the medication that is supposed to fix my mental disorder is killing me physically.  I have the shakes, bad.  Most would say this is a sign that my medication is in fact poisoning me. I agree and disagree.  Sure, it is a poison that I am putting in my system, but it seems to keep me on a somewhat stable plane of existence. As long as the poisoning is minor the doctors don't seem to see a problem with it, so I guess I should just take these minor symptoms knowing what the alternative is.
The alternative for me is going into a state of either mania or severe depression. 
So I will continue to take the hated Lithium and put up with its side effects simply so I can stay in the world of normalcy like the rest of the normal humans. Tell me again where the fun lies in that? 

End rant for now.